blatant me

see me here

2008-03-13T22:13:00.000+08:00

sa uulitin

2007-07-24T07:27:00.001+08:00

funny if this is love, i only had you once. must be missing you only. or not exactly you, just the moment we had. i can't even remember when's the last time i was like when i was with you last sunday night. i like the way you flirt with me, your smile. your eyes like talking to me. i like the way you held my hand and caressed my face, and your tight embrace. then again it could just be me, putting meaning to nothing.

and i'm back!

2007-05-20T07:09:00.000+08:00

whoa! it's been long since ai ewan ah. dyusme antagal ko din nawala dito. buti na lang may dsl si mark at libre ang internet ko wahehe!
so ano na nga bang nangyari sakin. san na nga ba ko nanggaling at ano naman ang nagawa ko sa buhay.
very good first half of the year for me. had a raise from the office, went to hong kong, had coffee and laughed with jm again. very very blessed indeed.
well i guess that's a wrap. hahaha. nasabi ko na agad lahat. any plans?
hmm. near future: i want to be present on the dating scene again. after the near future: look for a job abroad.
everyday goals: keep my friends and have more and thank and worship God for everything.

thoughts from a bored mind:

-- sadness has eaten me alive, too bad i'm still alive.

-- always give your best shot, or else someone will give it to you.

-- better to regret things you have done than the things you haven't.

-- if you'd really think about it, there'd be no problem.

i'd see you again.

mahal kong aia

2006-10-07T08:31:00.000+08:00

"i've seen you before, i know i've seen you before. i think i've meet you before..."

ako ang pinaka bida!

2006-09-02T08:21:00.000+08:00

sa jollibee bida ang saya!

away

2006-08-22T04:10:00.000+08:00

if this is good
then why do i feel bad
i used to be good
now i'm all cracked up

there used to be a place
everywhere i am
now i'm lost in a
jungle fool of habits

kick me, kill me
but don't thrill me
my skin is softer than usual
my heart is still
i am a fool

the drama of not having
the philosophy of not knowing
the fruit of unfulfilling
im stoned

welcome me again

2006-04-13T16:50:00.000+08:00

3 months. More than 3 months in point of fact that I have messed with other things but not with my blog. Hmmm. My last maintenance safeguard was to have at least one entry per month, be it a poem or an essay. But time has flown and consumed me to the very most that I have even forgotten trimming my pubic hair.

What did I do, where have I been, how have I been and whom did I fuck with? Ah that last question’s the easiest to answer.

To no one.

None.

Zero.

Itlog.

Itlog ko. Hay.

I left my job for another one. Wish I could change ‘job’ to ‘boyfriend’, but that would be another story. Same time shift but not the same channel. The new occupation is far too different from the previous circulation. And thank God I am enjoying it.

Still no sign of birth certificate. No clue whatsoever. Been flying back and forth, just to start over again. Ganun talaga siguro. Count the blessings na lang para mangiti. ;-)

Ah. Also ‘got caught between goodbye and I love you’ on an online game. It’s like leaving but you can’t because you don’t want to but tired and want to leave and still doesn’t want to do. Ewan.

I’m in the office now for some slack overtime because of some ‘migration’ that I don’t even have a clue. Good thing I’m still productive despite oblivious.

Another pause and show’s over. Wala na ko masabi. Yun naman talaga dahilan kung bakit butas ang blog ko ng tatlong buwan.

Walang makwento (maaaring tamad).

Walang masabi (safe).

Walang gumugulo sa utak (buti may positive).

Enjoy naman sa bawat araw (salamat!).

Salamat sa mundo. Salamat sa’yo. Salamat Sa Diyos.

my holiday gratitude

2005-12-31T10:10:00.000+08:00

The long wait is over. For those of us who had a not-so-good 2005, we’d be pushing the hours today for the promise of the New Year. And for those who had a fabulous year, high hopes for another momentous new year ahead.

And so another Christmas passed us. I sincerely hope all of us had our best time, and we’d be waiting for it again. I hope kids went gaga over their gifts, from Santa Claus to the infamous Christmas parties they’ve attended. I really really think that Christmas is for the young, and the young at heart.

Now I’d like to take this space to express thanks to the people I’ve been with the year passing. From workplace friends to friends who’d go with me fighting in the streets, whatever it is we’re fighting for, from social issues to libido.

I’d make it in general, because I won’t be liking it my friends would be thinking that one is more important than the other, and of course they’d be knowing themselves on what they’ve marked on me, on my life.

Thanks for the adventurous 2005. If not for my friends I won’t be able to travel locally, just like my other take trips the past years.

Thanks for the time you’ve dedicated to me, asking me out and sometimes I myself asked you to be with me and you were there. I love it when friends requests’ my presence, I get to feel indispensable to them. It may not be that serious to them but it is to me. Not everyone wants someone at some time. And I feel blessed.

I am blessed with all of you. You fill me in emotionally, morally, spiritually, even financially. I need not to ask, you just give in.

Thanks because you gave me new acquaintances, new prospects, and new thoughts.
Thanks for the luckless moments. It is on these times we shared bittersweet learning. For our high times and low times that measured the bonds between us.

You give me sweet sadness, the time when I feel empty but I could still feel good about it, because we’re together.

And I pray to God for a more fruitful year of 2006 for us, for our sorrows taken by the cold wind, and for our dreams to soar and be taken into action.

Again, thanks very much. Hope you all had a very merry Christmas. I look forward for more new years with you. I just wish you feel the same. God bless all of us.

minus 1

2005-11-13T02:10:00.000+08:00

I’m not sure if this is funny or what but I’m only 24 years old, contrary to what I’ve been telling the whole world that I’m 25. I had my birth certificate processed at the National Statistics Office, and it says that they have no records of my full name on the birth date and year I am using. Upon finding this outrageous news I talked to my parents about it.

And here’s the story: my mum asked her cousin to make a fake birth certificate for me, so I’d be acknowledged to kindergarten. Instead of 1981, they used 1980. And since then I was using (and seemed a fact to believe as no one explained to me then) February 16, 1980 as my birth date. Wow, for the privilege of education, I’d now face the consequence of altering personal records so I could make use of the said education.

Which clears another story: when asked why I have the name I have today, my parents’ always say I was named after the late Pope John Paul ii (they borrowed only one name, not both John Paul). They’d tell me ‘kase nung pinanganak ka, dumating si Pope dito sa Pilipinas’ (you were born on the day Pope John Paul ii went here in the Philippines). And Google affirmed it; yes Pope John Paul ii was here in Manila last February 16, 1981.

Unlike other people who says they missed some years of their lives, me, I am going to live it again for another year. This I don’t know if an advantage or not, because I have to restate all my records for some purposes my future would require.

Now the idea of being under the sign of Monkey lapses to entertain being a Rooster. I mean I’m not Chinese but I always believed that the characteristics of an ape sign suits me, and now I have to go well with being a cock.

Soon I’d check the NSO again using 1981 as my birth year. God permit, I am a legitimate human being as papers are concerned.

dubious mind doodles

2005-10-31T01:34:00.000+08:00

I don’t know how am I going to start with this but I think I’m bursting with thoughts so I’m going start it however anyway…and then I paused coz I have to think of what to write. Silly.
Ah yes. The past few days I was contemplating on the idea of me having an older brother. You know I have two sisters and I’m the only son, the youngest of three. But what if I had a brother older than me? Would it complicate my life? Would have we shared on girlfriends or some guy thoughts like hitting this and ditching that and how good we are on basketball or how godly we are during sex? And one heavy sigh came out. I wonder if he’d hit me right in the face because of my finesse moves and girly nature. Can I tell him I have a crush on his boy-next-door best friend or even with just the new boy living next door with us? I’m not sure. I have guy cousins and my sexuality hasn’t been a problem to them. Neither my father tried to cut my throat because I’m gay. I just marvel myself with the thought. All questions rolled in and still I cannot conceive a brother immaculately.

And so the phone rang and another uncertainty pounded my heart. It’s him. The ‘him’ that I go nuts about. I’m all too excited and too anxious at the same time of what made you call me. I think I should stop now.
Oh yeah I hope you know how I delicate I become when it comes to you. How thankful to God am I when you’re presence is into me. How my soul dances for you. But perhaps I have to cut the music short.
You now have a new girlfriend and you said it’s just okay. Is that good news to me or what? Well I have to give you the credit for remembering me and telling me a turn in your life. You said you’re still testing waters and not yet sure if you feel love with her. Should I feel better now? Hah!
You’re just like an enticing apple I can’t bite on. I’d love too but I’m afraid to know the truth about you and me. I’d rather let you tempt me and excite me than gobble you up and be gone in an instant.
And hey, I enjoyed the tête-à-tête. It’s wonderful to hear you laugh when we talk. And I sense your smiles within your words. Now I don't know if I can bring it to an end. Now I’m not sure again. Freaking thoughts. The trouble with contemplating is that you’re trying to drop one thing ending you can’t.
Good night. I’d be waiting for your presence (text mesg, call, or in the flesh) again. And so you said, I shouldn’t be uneasy waiting for my man, coz he just might be anywhere near me. Aren’t you near me?

At kung may kuya nga ako, magustuhan ka kaya niya para saken? Ewan.

awe

2005-10-22T17:33:00.000+08:00

DEMENTED

Can’t recall how it all started
All I got is your face on my mind
How your smiles all blinded me
All I see now is you.

Will you take me along with you
As you soar skies and sail seas
You don’t have to promise anything
Just say yes.

I’m all alone
Daydreaming just by myself
Then you came along and swept me
Off my feet, into your arms

Will you offer me you heart
It would blow my mind you know
But still if you can’t
Just kiss me.

===

VISION

Someday in my life
Someone would ask me my love
My love that is forever
It will be here whenever
It would shine through nights and days

Somewhere along my way
Someone would ask me to stay
A man who’d hold me tight
And protect me with all his might
And I would never leave him

Sometime in this lifetime
My heart will be filled with love
Till it burst and embrace his existence
I will wait for the day
I will wait for the man

sweet soul

2005-10-18T13:14:00.000+08:00

LOVE

Carry me home
It’s all dirt here outside
I haven’t eaten since
I don’t know when
Keep me warm

Make me satisfied
With all the dishes you could make
Let me use your tub
So I could clean myself again
I need a new me

Give me a name
‘love’ is fine.

---

KEEP ME

You entered my room
And you asked for some water
I offered you love
You gave me a smile

You asked for my help
And said you were lonely
I mended your broken heart
and you smiled

You wanted me to join you
And so I was there
I wanted you to speak to me
But you just smiled

When will you tell me
Words I wanted to hear?
When will you use words to amuse me?
Until when will I wait?

with you or on my own again

2005-10-04T17:56:00.000+08:00

Love not offered is not love denied. Now why am I stating this? I don’t know. Perhaps gives me reassurance of how I feel. And I don’t want to end this. Not now, not ever. Well maybe time comes I’d end it or somehow I’d turn to someone else. But I’m saying not yet, not this time.

I’ve always wanted to feel your lips. And the eclectic strokes of skin to skin as we meet excite me every time. Each time we speak I always tell you how thankful I am on meeting you, seeing you, knowing you, the way that you make me feel. You only respond on smiles. Your eyes, its piercing stares leave me powerless. I don't know how you do it but you do it perfectly as i melt. I enjoy everything little event we had. I just hope as it ends it goes on with the days. But it can’t be that way I guess. Hope is all I carry. I guess by now you know how I feel for you.

I know it’s not healthy for me to think of you all the time. Morning, noon, night you wouldn’t leave me. And I’m enjoying it, you know. It’s just that I’m like in a fantasy that could end up on a nightmare. Moments are eating me alive; to think that they are all in the past. And it’s futile to wait. To wait for the day you’d reach my hand and offer me perpetual happiness is ill. Foolish to love you, much more if I’d linger on the time it’d happen. Still why am I waiting? Because it’s like I am dreaming. And in dreams I’m with you. Dreaming believes. Gives me faith.

Last weekend you asked me to celebrate your birthday with you. Of course I said yes without faltering. Who am I to say no? I had a truly great time. Thanks very much. Glad to meet your family. Hope to drop in on your home again.

hallucination

2005-10-03T11:40:00.000+08:00

i'd like to have more of these
but i can't ask
'cos i'm afraid it would
cost me my life and happiness
you are life and happiness

i've always wanted to tell you things
many things of me and you
but just your smile
and hello takes care of me enough
contentment is you

to prove to you that i love you is easy
what's hard is to ask you to be mine
on my own you are mine, here inside
you'd always stay
loving is you.

flat

2005-09-19T02:17:00.000+08:00

Too gray to see
What own life’s about
Too deaf to sense
The troubles around

Been with you and me
But still feels solitary
Can’t take the dreary clouds no more
Need to be alive again

Death of a man who gives life around him
Is death unnoticed
Squeezed by cold
Now lifeless because of sharing his
Numb before he felt it
Died before he knew it

Nobody by pleasing you
A legacy wished to scratch

inspirations

2005-08-10T23:40:00.000+08:00

i get them on my mail everyday. i'd like to share them to you. hope even one or two could touch you.

- Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.

- Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

- The miracle is this--the more we share, the more we have.

- Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

- In order to be a realist, you must believe in miracles.

- If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

- The secret to success is to start from scratch and keep on scratching.

- When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the morning light, for your life and strength. Give thanks for your food, and the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies with yourself.

- Without heroes, we are all plain people and don't know how far we can go.

- The aim of Life is to Live, and to Live means to be Aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely, Aware.

- Fortune and love befriend the bold.

- Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

- When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.

- Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.

- Leap, and the net will appear.

- We may not be able to give much but we can always give the joy that springs in a heart that is in love with God.

- Pain nourishes courage. You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you.

- It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not.

- If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

- Work Hard--Do your best--Keep your word--Never get too big for your britches--Trust in God--Have no fear--and Never forget a friend.

more next month. cheerio!

de lovely

2005-07-16T18:22:00.000+08:00

How could you make a straight guy fall for you? Flirt with him? Give him gifts? Pay for his drinks or movie pass?
This is not too sweet. Perhaps it would be better f he’d fall for you without anything material involved. But then love won’t be expressed or be given equal as you give and look for it. I like him, and he can’t be mine. This is my fate. Fate is one thing you can’t change I guess. Fate is shit sometimes.
This is about the guy I wrote about with my item ‘April’s fool’. He’s gone now. He left the office. Now there’d only be luck for us to meet again. No I can’t ask him out, which would be too thick. We exchange sms from time to time though. Nothing extravagant about the conversations, but it really really makes me great.
I like him a lot. And my liking of him is not a secret to him already, I think. Not that I’ve told him I like him, but I possibly suggest deep craze of him whenever we’re together or just exchange sms or talk over the phone. He knows it. I know.
There’d be no way he’d ask me to be his. What is present now is all there is. It would definitely end; hope it’s not too soon. And conceivably no better future with this one, I hope there is.
Still, thank God we met.
Sometimes, to be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness.

extremes

2005-06-18T02:04:00.000+08:00

TOO SHORT, TOO CRUEL
you won't know how to love
i am your reason for living
as you tell me everyday
there'd be no one else for you
you said i am your future
and it seemed all great and true
the belief of having you is a dream
and now i'm all awake

i am wide open when you came
i embraced you like no one can
you fooled love
the butterflies are dead now
the bubbles have popped
all short-lived
like the romance you made me feel
all is gone now

take it back
take all the things you've let me have with you
take it all back
take all the pain you caused my heart
as you cruise life without me.

-----

HIGH ON YOU
drop the news
i'd know that on the way
cut the crap
i won't care about the setback

spill the beans
make me yours, don't make me beg
spoil the show
keep it coming now take me home

i'm all on you body and soul
prayed to God a zillion times for you
now you're here
kiss me, let's get high
high on love.

more than a quarter evil

2005-05-29T06:55:00.000+08:00

got this thru blog-jumping. weird.

analyzed by Gematriculator

only you

2005-05-18T22:58:00.000+08:00

I’d like to know what you think of me
If I sicken you or give you calm
Your smiles approve you enjoy my stay
And I hope you make me settle here.

You turn to me on your troubles
And you ask for my beliefs
And then you said you still love her
And then you said you’d close your heart.

Open you heart
Make my days and call me love
Show me love and end my misery
Grace my desires of you
There will be no one else on my centre
The one that shines brighter
The man that keeps me higher
You that keeps me breathing here

some deliberations

2005-05-03T23:17:00.000+08:00

Have you ever been in love like you feel it too much in your heart but there’s nothing you can do but keep it? I’d like to tell it but I’d stick this way coz the person might not be ready for me. Nah don’t give me the shit that I’d have to tell it straight now or the moment might pass me by. Won’t work for my kind. Perhaps I’d just settle for showing it, bit by bit, until the person asks for it himself.

-----

In one-way or another, I accept as true that love is contagious. It might not be on the way you want it or on the same profundity or understanding as you have it, but still the other person is able to love you back. It would do your days enough.

-----

No matter how great you acknowledge yourself, you’ll always bow down to the one who owns your heart, no matter how low he’d be. I know coz I’ve done it before and I know people who have been like it. You’d eat your pride big time.

-----

If the experience is dead bad, we tend to be careful as to not do it again, either the exact same way again or not at all. We tell ourselves that if we are to walk on the same road again, we’d be wiser. At this point, if we were to be in love again, there’d be limitations, thus making the feeling inauthentic. What are we to do then? Nothing is certain, only love.

april's fool

2005-04-05T18:05:00.000+08:00

hindi ko alam. maloloka na yata ako. naloloka na ko sayo. 'eto ka, 'eto ka ulit, 'eto ka na naman. bukas nandito ka na naman. kinikilig ako, natutulala, lumulutang.
ano ba? gusto mo ba ko? gusto mo din ba ko? tanungin pa ba ko nyan? di pa ba halata? sobrang gusto kita noh.
paano nga ba tayo nagsimulang magkausap? hindi ko na maisip. ang naaalala ko lang, sa yosi break tayo nagkasama, tapos naulit na ng naulit. malungkot 'pag wala ka sa lobby. sabi nila hinahanap mo naman ako pag ako ang wala. saya noh? nami-miss natin ang isa't-isa. yosi break pa lang yun. naks.
ayan na 'eto ka na ulit. ha? magpapa-bp ka? dun sa kabila may nurses hindi dito. hindi ako marunong. ah sige dito ka muna. wag ka na ngumiti d ako makahinga. ang lamig. hindi ako makakilos. maupo ka. wag ka tumayo sa likod ko baka mabasa mo 'to. nakakahiya.
last week nagpa-bp ka na din di ba? high blood ka. sabi ng doctors natin tension headache lang. stressed ka pala. isip ka cguro ng isip. wag mo na isipin yun, d ka naman nya iniisip eh. ako iniisip kita. palagi pa nga eh.
wag mo na i-deny yang picture. hindi mo girlfriend? eh bakit sya ang wallpaper ng cellphone mo? okay lang hindi naman kagandahan eh. wala din naman ako magagawa. hanggang 'sana' lang ang kaya ko. sana ako na lang.
minsan nagtext ka sakin, sinabi mo lahat yung mga ginagawa ko, nagulat ako, paano mo nalaman? yun pala sinisilip mo ko d2 sa work area ko. haay... may aasahan kaya ako sayo? gagong tanong di ba. syempre wala. kanta na lang ako "pangarap ka na lang ba, o magiging katotohanan pa..." .
gustuhin ko man sabihin sayo na umiwas ka na sakin para hindi na ako mahulog ng husto sa'yo, hindi rin naman pede, kasi nga ayaw ko din. alangan naman na umiwas ako sa'yo. mas pangit na idea yun.
ano na kaya ginagawa mo ngayon? 6pm na pala malapit ka na umuwi. iniisip mo din kaya ako?
sana magkita ulit tayo bukas. makipagtitigan ka ulit sakin bukas. hawakan mo ulit ang baywang ko habang sabay tayong naglalakad. sandalan mo ulit ako habang nagyoyosi tayo. idantay mo ulit ang mga balikat mo habang naghihintay tayo sa elevator. daanan mo ulit ako d2 sa lugar ko. buuin mo palagi ang mga araw ko.

pray harder

2005-04-01T18:03:00.000+08:00

I saw a special report on TV last week about global warming. It was horrible. Results are evident already. One even said it's too late for us now.

But even if it is, please let's help make it slow, for the future generation to enjoy what we had, life.

I certainly hope our government has some ways about it.

picture taken from physics.uoregon.edu

not quite sure about it

2005-03-26T22:48:00.000+08:00

When you’re single, there are these three things you think of more than once in a while: on how you enjoy your free damn free life, reminisce about your past loves, and try not to argue with yourself on why you’re still single. And then I chose to dwell on the second one, thinking all afternoon about my old relationships and how it all started fruitful and ended dreadful (i believe that no matter how clean you end up a relationship, it's still awful.).
And then so it led me comparing my life today on the life I had during my love struck days. Was it all different? No. Well, without all bitterness now I say yes, I just said no to prove myself a solitary life is better. Can be, but not everyday. Depends on people really.
Now back with the uncertainty. I think the only difference is that I was with someone then. Work is all the same, friends are all the same, and every day’s the same, just minus the person I was with. And you could still add up the quarrels and headaches. After a fight or misunderstanding, an early day is over for you. Nothing and no one can perk you up but him and him alone.
And if one’s life is fabulous being single and we mess up in relationships, why do we need one? Why do we need relationships?
These past weeks I’ve caught myself back again in the dating scene. One week after another, one person after the other. Meet ups are fine, conversations went well, and I say it’s all smooth and nice. We still exchange messages and calls from time to time, until they blew me big time. All three persons asked for a special relationship, I turned down the offers, on the spot. Am I playing hard to get? Nah. Am I looking for some sparks at the start as a sign? Maybe. Don’t I like them? Actually I did liked them, each has it’s own jerk to me. Then again I declined the proposals. I guess it’s me. Perhaps after years of being single, I got used to it. So much used to it conceivably I don’t know how to start a relationship anymore. I may be afraid of starting again. Maybe I’m still not in love. And then maybe, I don’t know how to be in love to any further extent.
Next month there’d be two more; I don’t know what I’m up to here. Makes me excited, makes me lonesome too. Tough luck.

magic to my delight

2005-03-08T01:24:00.000+08:00

with nothing to do on a Monday night i forced the TV to accompany me to boredom. on surfing channels i ended up watching a replay episode of Charmed. i say i was once a fan of the said series, religiously watching episode after episode every week and even imagining being one of the charmed ones, but having all their powers at the same time. that may be silly but isn’t that the coolest? i mean if i have that kind of magical powers i’ll have the luxury of everything, favorably, minus the responsibilities. but screw the task; i’m magical!
i wonder then, if i was a charming upshot of supernatural parents of the 20th century, will i be the same me today? i'm not sure. i don’t want to be the infamous Harry Potter though, i might lose my magic wand. i’d prefer to be exactly like the Halliwells, with powers not known to humans but a cause of ass panic to demons.
i can do anything i want, well, almost. i could easily vanish my freaking loud neighbor; dominate my obnoxious boss; or cast a heavy-handed love spell for 24 hours to my crush-of-the-day, just to get what i need you know. all right then, i can’t just do that. but hey, this is my part of the fantasy okay?
if only my uncanny magic could save the world from ill-mannered individuals. yes there are the filthy government officials and the unproductive men and women we all know and hate. but aside from them, there are more. those sick people you get close everyday: the attractive guy in front of you at a queue you’re in who denied his multiple-but-soundless farts by covering his nose with his hand and then offensively stares at you, the music lover beside you inside the MRT or FX who recklessly sings his LSS aloud, the mad chatterer who speaks in English complete with the accent but says “you know what? i think i accidentally missed called you.” HA? OKAY KA LANG?
well of course like just everybody i am not perfect, i also have missteps. but don’t forget, we’re still in my fantasy.
okay now i get the picture. maybe that’s why having magical powers can only be a daydream to me, or else there’d be less humans today. still i think my goal of selective extermination can be of great help to mankind.
you owe it to God you know. thank Him for not letting me be a charmed one.
and hey, i just gave you one good reason to pray. see i told you i’m helpful.

"tapsilog nga dalawa, tsaka pitong tulog."

2005-03-06T09:26:00.000+08:00

sa kawalan ng magawa sa umaga (good morning boredom!)...

...'eto ang trip ng mga kulang sa tulog (singing "we can win with Joy in our hearts, deep deep down in our hearts")...

...nawa'y mapatawad nyo kme ni rocel (God save the babies).

last hits for the love month

2005-02-27T18:52:00.000+08:00

ON STAGE
in case you can hear my heart sing
the music is for you
its words and melody identifies
how deep love is

in case you can see my heart dance
the moves are for you
its beat from slow to fast interprets
the joy of knowing you

sing your heart out
tell me the lyrics are mine
dance along with your heartbeat
sway your body next to mine
perform with me the rest of your life.

CRAVING
in the silence of the night
the only sound i can hear
is you catching your breathe
as you hold my hands tight
and press your chest against mine

you are beauty, love
the scent of your olive skin
satisfies my craving
tastes like chocolate with wine
flatters my palate
and your spirit feeds my thirsty soul

you are lovely, love
your moves make a harmony
as you enter my world
i welcome you with grace
our lips embracing
we are one love.

looking back

2005-02-24T00:04:00.000+08:00

rocel was browsing to some peyups forums when i came to office. then she asked me if i knew the site, then i freaked out
"onga! member ako nyan! w8 lang naku tagal ko na hndi nabalikan yan subukan nga natin username ko!"
now i remember. i posted three of my poems (3 of my favorites back then) there before i felt lazy over it. abang ako ng abang hanggang sa tinamaad na ko. tagal naman kse ma-approve ung entries bago ma-post, i think less than a month din ung sakin.
and now after more than 2 years, i saw my profile again, but now with the list of my submitted poems. heartwarming actually. today, i'd try to visit it more often.
so, i'd like to re-post here the poems i've submitted to them. all poems i created back in 1999 and 2001.

PAGSASAMA (kay rafi)
ang tagal ng oras.
nandito pa rin ako,
malamig ang kwarto
puno ng ingay,
bwiset na mga kaklase ko.
di na naman nakikinig
sa maestrong hagap ng
hagap ng hininga
makasalita lang sa tabi
ng blakbord.

ang tagal ng oras.
inip na 'kong bumaba
sobra sa kalam ang
sikmura na kanina pa
pinupuno ng hangin ng
babol gam.
idudura ko na.

ang tagal ng oras.
oras na lalabas na
ako dito sa kwarto,
lisanin na ang maestro,
bago ko pa matapakan
ang babol gam na dinura ko.
at bago pa uminit ang
ulo kong wala nang panahon.
panahon na maghintay sa
matagal na oras.

mamya magkikita na rin tayo
doon sa ibaba, malapit
sa gate, malayo
sa mundo, dito
magtutuos tayo.
maglalaban ang ating mga kamay
sa paghawak sa isa't-isa.
magtatalo ang ating mga utak
at puso kung sino ang mas
nagmamahal sa atin, ikaw sa
akin o ako sa iyo.

oras na.
ito na ang pinakahihintay ko,
nating dal'wa, hintayin mo 'ko
iiwan natin sila
dito sa kanilang mundo.
doon tayo sa mundo natin.
kapit ka na sa'kin.
tara.

RAFAEL'S ROOM
in this room
i sit and think
on what i can do
to make my life happy
meaningful.
in this room
i lay down and write
on what i can do
to make your life happy
more meaningful.

in this room
many has seen,
went in and out.
many has been with you
and it's now my time, with you.

in this room
where now i live
many has been here
and i hope to make my time different.
different for you to enjoy,
for you to smile when you reminisce,
for you to forget the other people
who used to be in this room before.

i want always to be with you
when you eat, sleep
take a bath or on a trip,
i pray always to be with you.
and now we're in this room
doin' all we can do
takin' our time.
i love you and i'll always will
whatever we do, wherever we go,
or just be here
in this room.

TAKE ME TO YOUR PARADISE
take me to your paradise
where there are no limitations
so we can have the longest night
and there would be us, not you and i.

take me to your paradise
where there is liberation
so we can be free
and no one will question us.

take me to your paradise
despite they can't accept it
despite they won't understand
despite we are the same...
i know there's nothing wrong with that
it is what we are...
it is what we feel...
it is what's right for us, i believe
we'll both be happy
if you'll love me, and
take me to your paradise.

saved from somberness

2005-02-23T02:35:00.000+08:00

i bumped into this thingy which i find officious but i post it anyway for having nothing to do on a dreary still dusky morning.

ps, it made me smile anyway ;)

How to make a john andrew pascual

Ingredients:

5 parts mercy

5 parts humour

1 part leadership

Method:
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little caring if desired!

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

down

2005-02-19T12:16:00.000+08:00

DEAR GEORGE
dear george, you always tell me
how much i mean to you
promised me everything one could
possibly give.
bye now.
one could only do so much
without asking anything in return
that's what you did,
but bye now.
the hurt it cost me made my heart burn
you won't even know until i suggested in return
goodbye george
may you understand how i felt
it's better this way
i won't held long on the one i can't have
even if i dont know how to let it go
may love guide me now.

DEFECT
it's past 3 cups of coffee
and more than a pack of cigarette
i wish you'd go with the smoke
i exhale
i take long showers everyday
and brush my tounge hard everytime
but you wouldn't go away with the water
leaving my skin
i still taste you
i don't think i'd be able to forget you
help me to survive
try not to come by my mind.

harsh 25

2005-02-16T23:43:00.000+08:00

i still have some minutes to call it 'my day'. happy birthday to me.

i just hate people who doesn't live by their words.

eat your heart out

2005-02-13T10:33:00.000+08:00

for Valentine's Day, i give you poems :)

INTO YOU
don't leave my mind
you make me glow everyday
times that i think of you
makes me be in your world
your sweet eyes are as clear as the
morning sky
feels like im soaring high
everytime you throw a sweet smile
the deep voice of you speaking of my name
drives me somewhere i don't belong
but i know i'd be happy though
'coz you are with me
in my mind.

DISCIPLINE
lessons of love and life i may not be complete
the age of young and not
can't tell everything
the risks and stakes are high
until you learn lessons harsh and wise
the truth of the matter
the truth of the fact
is the fruit tounges could taste
telling the brain the pain has ended
and the knowledge will stay
to pass unto others
to remember the teachings again
for guidance.

REQUEST
if love's a lottery
i wouldn't bet on you
for if i lose my chances
i'd never be with you
instead i'd pray for the Gods
to grant my great desire
to own you for a lifetime
to laugh with you 'til night time
and if the heavens did not approve
i'd be silent in my solitude
loving you from where i stand.

oh bloody, oh blood ah!

2005-01-14T17:46:00.000+08:00

i am a blood donor.
yesterday i was at the Philippine General Hospital to donate blood, putting a check on the 'blood replacement' box at the info sheet. my dad is scheduled for a sinus operation (forgot the exact medical term, sorry) and he needs to have a blood donor for replacement (in any case he'd be needing packs of blood for his operation, as i loosely understand it).
me! me! me! i insistently raised my hand to volunteer. why, it's for my father's. i may have been a very good brat to him for ages now and at least this can be one way to tell him i love him.
about 1 bag (450cc) of blood was extracted from my right arm. this was after the blood screening they'd be conducting for all blood donor wannabes. it's like pushing yourself to glam and fortune to be chosen as one of the StarStruck finalists. at first you'd be enduring the 'kagat ng langgam' sensation, and then you'd feel nothing after, really. i was even waiting for some aches and discomfort but they weren't that generous. in less than 7 minutes you'll have a bag full of your stinking blood. a rest of 10 minutes after the blood-sucking rites will be awarded to the healthy donors. resting is even longer than the process itself. and mind you, i waited for more than 3 hours for blood screening!
and i think the stunt is making me crazy. every person i walked by (that i know of course), i explicitly recount what i did! it's like winning the lottery! actually no. more than winning the lottery!
i feel human. now i can shout the world, with dignity and some cockiness, that i am human. i've given what is substantially part of me. i gave blood. i'm alive!
i wonder how more fulfilled and excited organ donors are. if i'm going ga-ga over what i did, how much more do they sound? or is it just me who's going nuts for more than 24 hours now? i'm really proud of what i did man get out'a here!
count three months and i'd be fit again to donate my warm blood. if not by that period, i'd like to give it a go some other time. try it.

out of nowhere

2005-01-12T21:11:00.000+08:00

Have I stopped romanticizing? I don’t know. The past few months I’ve just been into casually inviting different men to spend time with me. I mean this has been me for quite a while but it is different form the ‘me’ that I was back then.
I remember a friend asking me if I wasn’t lonely not having any man in my life, that why shouldn’t I be in a relationship instead of being alone. First thing I wasn’t lonely, second, relationships is not the peak of my life, well, not now. Yes of course I find fun in doing it. I wouldn’t be doing it for more than a couple of times for nothing. The excitement of danger, the pride of feeling superior when somebody actually likes you physically and asked to go to bed with him, the earthly hunger for flesh.
Then I had one night, the night before Christmas, I felt really lonely. I felt like the entire casual thing I did with strangers hit me down big time. The feeling of emptiness after a wild sex or the feeling of not having any worth at all but a sex machine made me forlorn. After the sexual contact one goes and the other shuts the door. I mean its right you know that there shouldn’t be some talking or cuddling or exchanging of thoughts after the intercourse coz one might get attached and because there isn’t supposed to be any. The thing is that both of you agreed it would only be casual sex and no emotions involved whatsoever.
It’s great to be with someone and be committed but it’s not my thing today. I’m pretty much happy the way I am today, being dependent and all. My decisions are mine, my pain is from me. I’m not bitter and depressed I can say, it’s just that maybe I can’t let anyone hurt myself again by being with someone. Sometimes being with someone is the thing that hurts. You expect more, you wish more, you hope for more out of the relationship, but if you won’t get it your life falls back to nothingness. Yes you could easily say one shouldn’t expect or hope for more when you have the thing that can bring you more, but isn’t it much happier if you’d live your life the way you wanted it to happen, without the pain and tears others might give in the process of being in a relationship? At least I could easily accept suffering by the means of my own doing and not suffer by the cost of other people.
When I get chances of chatting with my ex-boyfriends they’d always tell me how nice I was and how much I have affected the way they were today. That I am a part of who they are now, and that they thank me for teaching them how and what love is. Hey, cut the crap okay coz we didn’t end up together. What’s the use of those words if we can’t live with it anymore?
And then there are friends who’d tell ask me for advices and words of wisdom about love and relationships coz they say I speak well of the language and they like my principles of it. Look closely honey, I’m still single. Because of what I believe in I’m not in a relationship. Why someone committed would ask for words of advice for relationships to someone not in a relationship? Irony of life.
What I am right now is because of what I’ve had then. And I think that applies to most, if not all, of us. I’ve been hurt and I left and let the blues go away with the cold wind. Memories are just as good as remembering. But the lessons remain.
I can also say I am not a cynical person full of pride. I love romantic movies and drama stories where I can cry my heart out. Perhaps I’m not as romantic as I was before. Maybe because of the hurt and pain I got from it. I mean I know I can’t really be happy if I’d never feel any suffering. But I guess the thing I had before with romantic love made me numb about relationships now. I don’t feel the way I was before. Perhaps I’ve given too much of what I thought what romantic love is and then that’s why today it’s almost zero.
And also, perhaps, love hasn’t come my way for a time or so now. I’m thinking I can be committed again and be with someone I love but not as everyday as it gets. I don’t want the system to eat me all up again. I know you’re thinking that it won’t be love at all if I won’t give 100% of it, that it won’t be love itself if I hold back some or much of the feelings I have and not show and give it to the person I’d be with, that it won’t be authentic. I wouldn’t care about that. I’d be more careful the next time; if there’ll be next time.
What I am worried about is by the time I get old and look back to the things today and be unhappy recollecting it. Now that I’m still young I’d usually think that there’d be more time and meet more people. What if time fades and I’m old and meet less people, will I be in a hurry finding love? I’ve met people whom have let time fly and let people pass them by on their youthful years. Now that they’re aged the less people they find they connect with. What if I ran out of chances in my life? I don’t know. All I know is that I’m still breathing here. And perhaps it can also be right and happy to be alone in the end.
I’m a single person today that deals with every day’s touch of high and sickness of being alone. I don’t mind not being committed with someone I love or to somebody who loves me. Happiness is in the doing, not with the things we have.

live the holiday

2004-12-20T22:31:00.001+08:00

i just came from our office department’s Christmas party, and i had a great time. i just feel a little awful to leave the venue [just a few blocks away from the office] early after two bottles of beer coz i had to come back here in the office. i’m the one in-charge tonight.
and the sh!t i was forgetting to take pictures, i took the pleasure of singing and dancing too much!
and last Friday night we had our company’s Christmas party, and i got to be the emcee. imagine more than 300 people in front of you, while your voice is throaty!
i dunno why i had the hoarseness but i was still enjoying my voice that afternoon before the party singing Nina’s new hit.
but then again i really enjoyed that party too. And i had some ‘congratulations’ even! it was my first stand up stint for the company, and thank God they loved it.
thanks Tata for your gift, love love love it!

following the backtrack, i was at Greenhills Shopping Centre last Thursday night together with Albert, Bimbo, and Marck to check out the tiangge. we got to catch sight of the famous and fabulous puppet show.

it illustrates the Filipino Christmas culture, then and now. if my memory hasn’t forsaken me this was the second year that the show took place at the said shopping district.

it started at the now defunct C.O.D. mall, delighting children and the old age every Christmas time and so lasted there for years, i’m just wasn’t sure if the same geniuses in the past holds the program still.

good thing my nephews and nieces get to behold the experience i had then.

spending life my own way

2004-12-09T01:21:00.000+08:00

when i was asked what my passion is, i said, “i don’t know”.
hindi ko talaga alam kung ano ang gusto ko gawin sa buhay ko. pero hindi ibig sabihin nun na wala akong pangarap sa buhay. funny as it may seem but i dream as i’ll live without end.
all my life, all i wanted was to be happy, and my delight is to give happiness to whomever i am connected, if not share my own. wala naman ako inasam sa mundo kundi maging masaya, mapasaya ko magulang at pamilya ko, mapasaya mga kaibigan ko. this emotion i cannot resist.
i didn’t have a bad past or an awful childhood for me to fancy perpetual happiness. mababaw lang ako, gusto ko lang maging masaya ang araw-araw.
if that is aimless, i may be heartless. if my living hasn’t had any effect, i should be called indifferent.
and i’m not ready to die yet. but i try to live everyday as if i’d die by midnight. maybe in God’s time i’d weigh up on one activity or another and persuade myself on performing it, or perhaps i’d remain motionless for years doing the same things. but i’d still make an effort to do my life fine; because in everything i do i am passionate.

the queen

2004-11-06T13:35:00.000+08:00

when one is in love the entire world is beautiful. splitting all smiles to friends even to strangers, like all dreams have come true. problems has set aside, nearest dangers became remote, gloomy skies then all bright now.
one flies from one flash to another, reminiscing first moments of everything. no matter how many have been with one, one returns to be innocent, like a child again.
hopes of being together almost everyday grows into longing of staying together. to share life, heal each other, dance together, make mushy gestures on instants.
but what if the bliss you knew could only be short-lived? would one fight or just let it go? would one send a forwarded sms to be of thought by ‘the man’?

i’m in love, i think, at least, with a straight guy, over dozens of red horse beer and a corpse of a former classmate.
well of course we talk still on sober times. and the episodes are the same. he asked me to be there coz he wanted to see me. he asks how have i been and how my day was. there was even this girl who likes him that makes her moves just to get his attention, and what’s amusing is that she told me she’s sick of me coz ‘the man’ is all on me. hey miss, i haven’t even told him i like him, so back off!
i’ve had same things before, affair to remember. those men might not include my name on their list but i have my own witnesses ever our cases reach the judge hehehe.
ainaku naman masaya tlga ang feeling, pero hndi palage!
the catch is that i haven’t sent ‘the man’ another sms for two days already. not to try my prettiness if he’d think of me or not, but for my lead to go back to the real world. and he hasn’t given me any sms either.
he’s straight, i’m gay, and like my old times, the Queen doesn’t end up with the Prince Charming.

cupid abandoned me

2004-10-27T15:31:00.000+08:00

not that i am weary,

my inside is empty.

my heart has stopped beating and

i think cupid has abandoned me.

taking pleasure on life's throw

but with no one to enjoy the show.

days of quiet and nights of cold

because cupid has abandoned me.

dance with me,

dont let me be jaded,

speak to me words of your own.

ask me to be your own.

i'd do your laundry,

i'd spoil your liking,

i'd even let you use my toothbrush all along.

spare me my life,

cupid abandoned me.

same old, new old

2004-10-20T18:00:00.000+08:00

yesterday Celeste, JM and i went to an early job interview. on hours of laughter making our own fun and the uneasiness of waiting, we’re on high hopes of all three of us getting the job. living together and working together, God, how we hate each other so much.
and then we went to greenbelt3 to meet my college friends for lunch. Cel and JM decided to be kids again and amuse themselves at timezone.
first at the meeting place (before me) was Mayu, who just came from a graveyard shift work. next is Leng, taking her lunch break (which lead to 3 hours, she had to go home after lunch coz of her sandals). and lastly Leth, also from her office, but will be taking the day off. the group wasn’t complete; others can’t leave their workloads.
tt was fun spending time with them again. we talked about our old days and our new lives. just then all we worry about are the exams, assignments & projects, and those pain in the ass professors. now it’s bigger.
the older we get, the more complex a life. have you ever noticed that when we were kids people tell us what we should do, and as we get old people tell us what we should have done? odd.

subukan natin ang Filipino

2004-10-06T16:45:00.000+08:00

unang sulat ko d2 na hindi ingles. subukan ko naman dumaldal ng walang saysay sa salitang nakagisnan ko. bakit 'ka n'yo? wala lang. wala akong magawa eh. basa lang walang pakialaman hehehe.
ano nga bang ikukwento ko? ah! puyat ako kagabi at halos umaga na ko nakauwi. nanggaling ako kina JM, despedida party ni Lyza, pinsan nya. babalik na si Lyza sa Australia, kung saan naroon ang magulang at trabaho nya. paano? mahabang salaysayin, sumakay ka na lang. pagkatapos kumain ng kumain ay beer at baraha naman ang hinarap namin, ang mga matatanda nasa loob, mahjongg naman ang labanan. si Omar nga pala nandoon din kagabi, naligayahang tunay sa larong 'in-between', nilabas lahat ng pera sa bulsa! basta ako nanalo ng singkwenta pesos. pamasahe din yun aba.
dumating mga kaibigan ni Lyza, na napagkatuwaan naman ni Marivic, ang yaya nila sa bahay. hala walang tigil sa ulit ng kwento at pagpapatawa. sabi niya dalawa daw ang kaarawan nya, September 9 at August 9. nung nanganak daw kasi ang nanay nya sa kanya ng August 9, lasing ang tatay nya, kaya ang naisulat sa birth certificate ay September 9. kaloka.
mainam ba ang paggamit ko ng Filipino? d ko naman sinasabing bihasa ako sa ingles, pero hindi rin madali ang paggamit ng Filipino ah. nagiisip pa ko ng sasabihin syet.
next time na ulit. hinahanap na ko ni Mabel, cancer break na.

red

2004-09-30T01:12:00.000+08:00

you may drop your eyebrows now darling. yes i chose red for a background. the jerk of the color makes me active. and no not that kind of jerk as you smuttily imagine it. rub the itch okay.
well now you can compare me to a bull on a bullfight, but then again no because bulls are colorblind. they look at a red cape as a gray cape. and still why do bulls aim their horns to the matador with the red cape (a.k.a. muleta) ? they were stabbed on their necks! i bet if you were the bull you'd do the same.
what is red to me? take some time reading. sometimes slacking is healthy, helps you feel relaxed, which challenges the drive of my background color hehehe.
red is intense. it is vitalizing. it provides heat. it is the color of love and desire. it signifies sexual passion, perhaps an implied reason why they call 'the' place red-light district. our blood is red (because of iron in hemoglobin), which pressure gets high when we are at rage, or when we feel dynamic or energetic. planet mars is red, astrologers say its metal is iron. i've heard that planet Mars' stone is ruby, and ruby is red.
it is a very noticeable color. maybe that's why they use red as a stop sign on stoplights and for danger signs. makes me think for the red-light district, red draws sexual passion as it shouts danger for STDs.
red is joy. for our chinese brothers it is prosperity. this is why chinese brides wear red. i am not chinese, and i cannot be a bride. might as well leave it on my blog.
red is war. not just because planet Mars is reddish and so follows the name of the God of War, Mars, but also because it demonstrates wrath and frenzy. the other 'frenzy', comes in different flavors.
red symbolizes power and bravery. i've read that most national flags have red colors on it. did you know that? i didn't. how stupid. why didn't you tell me?
a red film is a french film. a blue film? ask my friends.
maybe later, when i feel the need to reinvent myself, i'd change the red background again. but i won't let pass a noteworthy day, a red-letter day.

what a fool believes

2004-09-05T02:57:00.000+08:00

last Tuesday night JM and I had the time to catch up. it’s been quite a time now since we had the occasion to sit back and deliberate over the accounts of our lives. after the talks of family hang-ups and hated friends over beers and fish crackers, it went to our own love stories.
recalling our past loves and the aches of it, we’re still here, alive and kicking. and we are single. and so the lonesome itch made it’s way to the conversation. will we be single for the rest of our life? i don’t think so. as the optimistic me always say, there’d be one for me, i just don’t know when and where will his path cross mine. and there’ll be one for JM too. not exactly the person he wanted to be, but the one he’ll need. well JM is not a relationship person as I know of, but he still feels lost about it. nonetheless, it’s his decision in conclusion.
don’t I feel lonely at discussions like this? move over crybaby coz here’s another chick flick to shed your tears. not surprisingly, I also feel alone in my life. minus the credit of friends, I also feel alone. but what the heck I say, maybe it’s just not my time to have a relationship today, maybe tomorrow. if I would worry about it today, I might ruin tomorrow. i just don’t think pulling it all along with someone who would come my way whom I don’t feel anything about would leave me satisfied. it is just like choosing second best. i’m not the type who’d get a hold of my own happiness from other people.
JM said I am too idealistic and I should get in touch with reality. reality bites, and it has bitten me more painful that people may know. and my own share of reality aids me on my choices now. bittersweet me? i think not. or perhaps I am. but I say the coldness in me will still melt by the warmth of the one who’ll come next.
i remember Pam and I were exchanging some beliefs then. i was telling her that there were instances that the sensation of being single wasn’t that good all the time. yes I am free of heartaches and burdens and free of my own decisions, but every now and then I long for times of having someone to hug when I feel cold, someone to talk to about matters that matter, someone who’d be with me when friends aren’t available dealing with their own misfortunes. i also have considerations of having my own child or children God permits. however, it’s not yet time. by the acts humanity’s staging right now I don’t consider building my own family. i wont allow my children to live in such distress. i’d rather live it up myself than share it to my loved ones. i said maybe when the world’s gone nice and people become more decent, then maybe I’d be ready. Pam lamented, “Jan, walang ideal world”. i believe there is, and there will be. if only all of us would make our move. if only people would discipline themselves. if only all of us would believe. does being idealistic will leave me empty? will it be too late for me then? i suppose not. time is what me make it. chances are, there are and there will be chances for me.
and here’s another catch. perhaps, when I fall in love again, all will be different. possibly I could shake off a little of my impracticality and be in love again. but the fool won’t lose himself. i won’t let it. the fool with ideals is positive.

sight for sore minds

2004-08-26T16:39:00.000+08:00

on my way home last night while riding a jeepney there’s this two women gossiping about their insensible associate and its splurge on money, ending with none on her pocket. and then one said “hindi kase makuntento eh”.
as to my own accepted wisdom, when I become contented, I stop. there’s nothing more to ask and have because I feel contented with what I got, and at that state I believe there’s no greater satisfaction than what I just had. and when i'm not contented I do further to fill in my requirements. this is when I feel the need to get more out of things. or sometimes I pray to God to ask.
but in a world full of challenges, heartbreaks, and chances with too many options, do we need to be bounded?
as the friendly mw dictionary says: to be content is to appease the desires of oneself; to limit oneself in requirements, desires, or actions; it is a feeling or manifesting satisfaction with one’s
possessions, status, or situation.
in life, we work hard for the money. and if earning for one job isn’t enough, we ought to find other means like getting an extra work (‘raket’, as we fondly call it) to be paid extra or trying our entrepreneurship skills for putting up a small business to grow money or just performing advance eyeing up an upper level position and a salary raise. some rob banks and pawnshops to get a hold of huge amount of money; others have the sense of comfort living trouble-free. often we compare our living conditions with others and then forget our own standards.
we carry out acts more than enough. it’s like the need of swallowing a sword than just making milk disappear on a tumbler. after belting high notes out like mimicking a bird by trying to break glass, a standing ovation with a round of applause is much more enjoyable to receive than just applause. in the case of limitless possibilities, we strive more. yet, we suffer, and it breaks our heart. we have this thinking that in order to be on top we have to accept all opportunities and be always competitive. and if we don’t, we assume to have the worst life and we live in failure. it’s not healthy. sometimes passing up an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity is a way of not complicating your life.
when it comes to love we look for perfect partners (which is very unlikely to have, bless you) just to have a perfect relationship (again, bless you). people jumps from one relationship to another for the reasons of not being satisfied with their past lovers, claims of being neglected, telling stories of horror not living happily together after all. delight, even if it’s not perfect.
we question others about their capacities and we happen to oversee our own incapacities. as unsatisfied customers of the market, we fall. and standing up after a fall won’t matter at all if we keep on doing the things that made us fall. yes, leap and the net will appear, the net metaphors as friends. however, we should recognize the fact that friends won’t be there for us too long. they have their own troubles too. in the end it’s still you that resolves it all. live and learn. while somehow our relationships make us who we are, in more than many ways we make our relationships. we compose the magic out of it.
it’s not your business to make an impact to anyone. identify and look after the healthy boundaries that you need. appreciate what you have. be familiar with yourself over again and revert to the unique purpose and aspirations of your heart and find happiness. if you are happy, you are contented.

tropical hot flushes

2004-08-24T15:03:00.000+08:00

Despite the wanting of keeping this stuff to myself, my odd nature still kicks in and thus I decided to post this piece that I wrote last summer, which discloses a morning of exploration and exploit…HA!

it's the usual friday-night-come-let's-watch-a-movie-and-having-nothing-else-to-do-why-not-kill-time-till-the-sun-freaks-us-out-at-6750 scenario.

but this time the sun didn't gazed at us as flowers at the park. before 2am, Edwin raising his white flag up, we decided to bow out the night. Edwin and Marck went on their way home, weird-haired Ghelo digged his home alone, Albert and i befriended the restive roads of Makati.

but before leaving the spot, the exercise of hankers after coveted individuals were brought into play.

a lean-muscled man on a grey sleeveless shirt started the tease. or should i say we we're teased by means of not teasing us. and a far glance wasn't a satisfaction, thus led us checking out the product on a strict buyer approach (no market relations happened). which led us to another merchandise, a stocky tall man that knows how to fight back using his eyes; and another merchandise, a corporate entity whom you could always say 'yes' for every favour asked. like the three kings, they could offer different tickles on your different fancies.

right then after two units of blessing walking under the observing moon crossed our path. though i didn't have the break to look longer, Albert said it's another feast of a view.

with stomachs rumbling, us lost in translation decided to make a stop at a small food lodge. there another piece of good fortune dashed us. only if the food on our plates could tell the cook they're uncared for.

this time it's a foreign meal. well-sculptured face stands tall with his jacket on. we stick our eyes on the object like gorging him all through.

acting as satisfied customers we helped ourselves out of the food station. right away a v-shaped brown skin on black shirt bumped us, leaving us biting our cigarettes to thin. oh what a dessert, we speak. not only this food station fed our appetites but also our craving for skin. though it seems that only our eyes took pleasure from it, it is all right to the bones indeed!

we crossed the bare street reaching a Minimart to buy bread for breakfast. beside the store is a Chinese dim sum hall. assorted beauties of women eating and chatting inside, nothing huge speaks of.

strolling along, we observed another Chinese food hall on our way. there we saw another fragility. seems the wind caught us on our weakness, or there's a 'gwapo' convention and apparently no one told us about. a mannish delight at large! even if the exhibit is sitting, we could tell how much enjoyable he is. just by taking him back as an image to my senses my nerves wreck me to pieces.

taxicabs run here and there but none got our attention. going home doesn't show a green light on us now. while both of us are still grasping the somewhat dream sequence, four men stood up 'bout 2-3 meters from our right. we say their cute, but we also say, not. after all the chaps that made us exhausted by just mere looking at them, these men beside us we'd say 'no thanks'.

one of them picked a cab, followed by another one minutes after. by simple mathematics you'd agree with me that 2 of them are left. they walked in front of us, the chubby sports a curly hair and the second is attractive. aye! he is attractive! a few steps after passing Albert and me he looked back! boy he looked back at us!

then they paused, and we're still eyes puffed up on him. and he smiled back! a little longer his companion on twisted hair waved his hand and a taxicab pulled over, they went inside, the cab made a u-turn. and he made his turn too! he leaned over the back shield glass, coining a beamy smile. he was like even saying something, coz his lips are clapping, and for what it is only him and God knows. but then again...

what an enchanting dawn it was!

this may not be useful to you folks. the intention is just to share. for comments and suggestions, type REACT and send to 818.

chasing rainbows

2004-08-11T20:28:00.000+08:00

i went here but i don’t know what to write about. i feel like i'm gonna be sick. i feel down and low as if the sun pulled me when he moved on the other side of the globe. the slackness of my thoughts is killing me.

most of the time today i stared to nothingness. i’m dead bored. i hate ordinary days.

i can’t bear a regular soul. i need amusement, at least once in a while if not time to time. the merriment of life i dig.

and yes i’m living a simple life. but i am not plain. more i can offer. ask, dont expect.

you can rely on me. i'd tell you what to do but i wont show you how. i'd let you marvel me, and yourself.

i am not disciplined. i can say my life's not in order. but don’t gratify yourself this early. delaying gratification is a discipline.

i do things for acceptance. i'd like people to recognize me. i love attention. makes me feel whole when acknowledged. and it's not healthy. there are times of pain.

but you wont know when i’m in pain. aches have no place in my time.

i can't choose between loving myself more than anything and loving others more than myself. at times i carry out things for other people even if i'll be ill with it. now and again i carry out things for myself and let others be ill with it, and then i'd be ill with it. perhaps i’m ill fated.

i don’t know where i’m going here.

it's late. i need to get home.

a beer blow up

2004-07-31T01:31:00.000+08:00

i am single. the thing is i dunno why. yes, my choice, and yes, no one is available for me. too bad.
i've been single for the past year now. i can say i am enjoying it. but it seems the two bottles of strong beer that I befriended minutes ago has exactly hit my soft spot. and now i'm thinking why i'm still single.
the past month i dated a guy younger than me. the chemistry wasn't good. it's like i'm always at rage of comments whenever we're talking. yes we had sex and it was great. i just don’t dig in the childish attitude i guess.
before him was this guy from another island who's been available for me months now. the problem is he's far from me. he always calls me, even sent me gifts on package. he's sweet yes. and he's still around, telling the world he's ready to take the chance for me like barry manilow. yet again he's not here. he's not near. long distance relationships are not my thing anymore. i mean i tried then when my ex-boyfriend and i were still together. he has his place here in manila and goes home to their province on occasions. i had my time with him and though i didn't liked the situation of being away with each other on long times i strived to keep the relationship till it ended. i just don't want to live it up again.
a few men also got my attention. still i didn't splurged to their offers.
i prefer to be courted. i find it more amusing to my senses. some didn't like the idea and just pop out of the scene, while others stay, till they're dumped. but to be fair i tell them as early as i can that they have to stop courting. i tell you men, though gay or bisexual, find this more challenging. so they continue till be dumped again and again. and then there were men i tell to stay and just continue. and if the time comes i can't help myself i tell them what i feel and so the relationship starts. however circumstances occur and relationships reach their waterloo.
all the same the main question of the quiz show remains, why am i single.
i'm 24, with a stable job, great friends, nice family, and no love life. and is it lacking? yes you rodent.
the thing is i am good on telling relationship/life lessons. for all the time i’m a recognized sage on counsels and opinions. am i better off as a friend?
i don’t wanna get old alone taking care of a bunch of cats.
but the hopes are high. and it would remain high. there will be this person who has a heart as big as mine who'd be at my side till the medical machines gave up on me. pleasant to believe he's looking for me right now, but hey, that's the spirit.
and i won't be tired of looking, or watching out for him, until he'd ask me to be his.

extra

2004-07-29T23:48:00.000+08:00

funny. before im not into making friends to my ex-lovers, horrible or not the break up was, I am just not comfortable with not just the idea but the whole scenario of how you'd deal with things with your ex now that your not together.
amazing. I am now having a smooth friendly relationship with my former lovers. im pretty much having a good time with what i was choking then. what has happened to me? i dunno either.
well to give you a slight glimpse of my relationship history. i had one girlfriend back in high school, one boyfriend in during college, and another one after that.
the girlfriend wasn't that tough, maybe one or both of us decided not to talk about separating ways. and that is also what i'd like to do on my story with her. enough.
my first boyfriend, whew, i paused huh. after a deep catch of breath i still don’t know how to blast it all up. after we broke up i had a hard time. man my heart was broken. i was the one who decided to leave the room of dreams, but then again it didn't felt good leaving. i cried and cried till even my sweat glands connected to my eyes to fill me up with tears to drop. and i thought im never gonna be friends with him. i cant. that was then when i still have deep feelings for him and i still long to be with him. there's no way we'd be friends, until i ate my words.
the second guy. i just decided to stop the relationship early. it's for his sake, as i rationalize the way of it. well it is. im not gonna contemplate on it here more into bits. let's just say, what i did to him and me was what i have learned from my past relationship. it's the way of the world for me. i don’t want mistake redundancies. it's awful. and please don’t slap me by telling that maybe i didn't love him. i did. i love him. that's why i made my move and didn't make him choose between his career and me. he didn't get that at first for sure, until after a few months we sat up on it and talked about it much finer.
i am at peace now. no baggage of past break ups. no nights of lamenting 'how is he now' or 'is he thinking about me' big time. now we're back on track. we still do what we do back then when we're still together, drop the sexual act. im not committed to them but i'd be more helpful in any way i can.
am i still in love with them? sure i am. but now im more comfortable of what we have.
the loving never stops. despite people leave, the loving stays. it's what connects me to them. it's what makes me look back and learn.
why wont i make a move to win one back? will i accept them if they try to return and win me back on their arms again? im happy and contented with what we have right now. time and again if God allows, why not.
leaving a person or a person leaving you doesn't say they're not in love with you anymore; it's just that one has got to move on.
harsh to say one has to be left behind for the other to move to some things better. it may not be the exact words on our mind but it's the catch. on the start of it we won't understand, but we will.
sometimes we don’t need to be committed in order to love. that's my way of the ex, loving them and letting them be free.