0 blatant me

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this is me. well, not that much.

blatant me
my share of psychosis to the world. bite me.
Saturday, July 31, 2004

a beer blow up
i am single. the thing is i dunno why. yes, my choice, and yes, no one is available for me. too bad.
i've been single for the past year now. i can say i am enjoying it. but it seems the two bottles of strong beer that I befriended minutes ago has exactly hit my soft spot. and now i'm thinking why i'm still single.
the past month i dated a guy younger than me. the chemistry wasn't good. it's like i'm always at rage of comments whenever we're talking. yes we had sex and it was great. i just don’t dig in the childish attitude i guess.
before him was this guy from another island who's been available for me months now. the problem is he's far from me. he always calls me, even sent me gifts on package. he's sweet yes. and he's still around, telling the world he's ready to take the chance for me like barry manilow. yet again he's not here. he's not near. long distance relationships are not my thing anymore. i mean i tried then when my ex-boyfriend and i were still together. he has his place here in manila and goes home to their province on occasions. i had my time with him and though i didn't liked the situation of being away with each other on long times i strived to keep the relationship till it ended. i just don't want to live it up again.
a few men also got my attention. still i didn't splurged to their offers.
i prefer to be courted. i find it more amusing to my senses. some didn't like the idea and just pop out of the scene, while others stay, till they're dumped. but to be fair i tell them as early as i can that they have to stop courting. i tell you men, though gay or bisexual, find this more challenging. so they continue till be dumped again and again. and then there were men i tell to stay and just continue. and if the time comes i can't help myself i tell them what i feel and so the relationship starts. however circumstances occur and relationships reach their waterloo.
all the same the main question of the quiz show remains, why am i single.
i'm 24, with a stable job, great friends, nice family, and no love life. and is it lacking? yes you rodent.
the thing is i am good on telling relationship/life lessons. for all the time i’m a recognized sage on counsels and opinions. am i better off as a friend?
i don’t wanna get old alone taking care of a bunch of cats.
but the hopes are high. and it would remain high. there will be this person who has a heart as big as mine who'd be at my side till the medical machines gave up on me. pleasant to believe he's looking for me right now, but hey, that's the spirit.
and i won't be tired of looking, or watching out for him, until he'd ask me to be his.

jan's blah blah @ 1:31 AM

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Thursday, July 29, 2004

extra
funny. before im not into making friends to my ex-lovers, horrible or not the break up was, I am just not comfortable with not just the idea but the whole scenario of how you'd deal with things with your ex now that your not together.
amazing. I am now having a smooth friendly relationship with my former lovers. im pretty much having a good time with what i was choking then. what has happened to me? i dunno either.
well to give you a slight glimpse of my relationship history. i had one girlfriend back in high school, one boyfriend in during college, and another one after that.
the girlfriend wasn't that tough, maybe one or both of us decided not to talk about separating ways. and that is also what i'd like to do on my story with her. enough.
my first boyfriend, whew, i paused huh. after a deep catch of breath i still don’t know how to blast it all up. after we broke up i had a hard time. man my heart was broken. i was the one who decided to leave the room of dreams, but then again it didn't felt good leaving. i cried and cried till even my sweat glands connected to my eyes to fill me up with tears to drop. and i thought im never gonna be friends with him. i cant. that was then when i still have deep feelings for him and i still long to be with him. there's no way we'd be friends, until i ate my words.
the second guy. i just decided to stop the relationship early. it's for his sake, as i rationalize the way of it. well it is. im not gonna contemplate on it here more into bits. let's just say, what i did to him and me was what i have learned from my past relationship. it's the way of the world for me. i don’t want mistake redundancies. it's awful. and please don’t slap me by telling that maybe i didn't love him. i did. i love him. that's why i made my move and didn't make him choose between his career and me. he didn't get that at first for sure, until after a few months we sat up on it and talked about it much finer.
i am at peace now. no baggage of past break ups. no nights of lamenting 'how is he now' or 'is he thinking about me' big time. now we're back on track. we still do what we do back then when we're still together, drop the sexual act. im not committed to them but i'd be more helpful in any way i can.
am i still in love with them? sure i am. but now im more comfortable of what we have.
the loving never stops. despite people leave, the loving stays. it's what connects me to them. it's what makes me look back and learn.
why wont i make a move to win one back? will i accept them if they try to return and win me back on their arms again? im happy and contented with what we have right now. time and again if God allows, why not.
leaving a person or a person leaving you doesn't say they're not in love with you anymore; it's just that one has got to move on.
harsh to say one has to be left behind for the other to move to some things better. it may not be the exact words on our mind but it's the catch. on the start of it we won't understand, but we will.
sometimes we don’t need to be committed in order to love. that's my way of the ex, loving them and letting them be free.

jan's blah blah @ 11:48 PM

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