out of nowhere
Have I stopped romanticizing? I don’t know. The past few months I’ve just been into casually inviting different men to spend time with me. I mean this has been me for quite a while but it is different form the ‘me’ that I was back then.
I remember a friend asking me if I wasn’t lonely not having any man in my life, that why shouldn’t I be in a relationship instead of being alone. First thing I wasn’t lonely, second, relationships is not the peak of my life, well, not now. Yes of course I find fun in doing it. I wouldn’t be doing it for more than a couple of times for nothing. The excitement of danger, the pride of feeling superior when somebody actually likes you physically and asked to go to bed with him, the earthly hunger for flesh.
Then I had one night, the night before Christmas, I felt really lonely. I felt like the entire casual thing I did with strangers hit me down big time. The feeling of emptiness after a wild sex or the feeling of not having any worth at all but a sex machine made me forlorn. After the sexual contact one goes and the other shuts the door. I mean its right you know that there shouldn’t be some talking or cuddling or exchanging of thoughts after the intercourse coz one might get attached and because there isn’t supposed to be any. The thing is that both of you agreed it would only be casual sex and no emotions involved whatsoever.
It’s great to be with someone and be committed but it’s not my thing today. I’m pretty much happy the way I am today, being dependent and all. My decisions are mine, my pain is from me. I’m not bitter and depressed I can say, it’s just that maybe I can’t let anyone hurt myself again by being with someone. Sometimes being with someone is the thing that hurts. You expect more, you wish more, you hope for more out of the relationship, but if you won’t get it your life falls back to nothingness. Yes you could easily say one shouldn’t expect or hope for more when you have the thing that can bring you more, but isn’t it much happier if you’d live your life the way you wanted it to happen, without the pain and tears others might give in the process of being in a relationship? At least I could easily accept suffering by the means of my own doing and not suffer by the cost of other people.
When I get chances of chatting with my ex-boyfriends they’d always tell me how nice I was and how much I have affected the way they were today. That I am a part of who they are now, and that they thank me for teaching them how and what love is. Hey, cut the crap okay coz we didn’t end up together. What’s the use of those words if we can’t live with it anymore?
And then there are friends who’d tell ask me for advices and words of wisdom about love and relationships coz they say I speak well of the language and they like my principles of it. Look closely honey, I’m still single. Because of what I believe in I’m not in a relationship. Why someone committed would ask for words of advice for relationships to someone not in a relationship? Irony of life.
What I am right now is because of what I’ve had then. And I think that applies to most, if not all, of us. I’ve been hurt and I left and let the blues go away with the cold wind. Memories are just as good as remembering. But the lessons remain.
I can also say I am not a cynical person full of pride. I love romantic movies and drama stories where I can cry my heart out. Perhaps I’m not as romantic as I was before. Maybe because of the hurt and pain I got from it. I mean I know I can’t really be happy if I’d never feel any suffering. But I guess the thing I had before with romantic love made me numb about relationships now. I don’t feel the way I was before. Perhaps I’ve given too much of what I thought what romantic love is and then that’s why today it’s almost zero.
And also, perhaps, love hasn’t come my way for a time or so now. I’m thinking I can be committed again and be with someone I love but not as everyday as it gets. I don’t want the system to eat me all up again. I know you’re thinking that it won’t be love at all if I won’t give 100% of it, that it won’t be love itself if I hold back some or much of the feelings I have and not show and give it to the person I’d be with, that it won’t be authentic. I wouldn’t care about that. I’d be more careful the next time; if there’ll be next time.
What I am worried about is by the time I get old and look back to the things today and be unhappy recollecting it. Now that I’m still young I’d usually think that there’d be more time and meet more people. What if time fades and I’m old and meet less people, will I be in a hurry finding love? I’ve met people whom have let time fly and let people pass them by on their youthful years. Now that they’re aged the less people they find they connect with. What if I ran out of chances in my life? I don’t know. All I know is that I’m still breathing here. And perhaps it can also be right and happy to be alone in the end.
I’m a single person today that deals with every day’s touch of high and sickness of being alone. I don’t mind not being committed with someone I love or to somebody who loves me. Happiness is in the doing, not with the things we have.
jan's blah blah @
9:11 PM
