not quite sure about it
When you’re single, there are these three things you think of more than once in a while: on how you enjoy your free damn free life, reminisce about your past loves, and try not to argue with yourself on why you’re still single. And then I chose to dwell on the second one, thinking all afternoon about my old relationships and how it all started fruitful and ended dreadful (i believe that no matter how clean you end up a relationship, it's still awful.).
And then so it led me comparing my life today on the life I had during my love struck days. Was it all different? No. Well, without all bitterness now I say yes, I just said no to prove myself a solitary life is better. Can be, but not everyday. Depends on people really.
Now back with the uncertainty. I think the only difference is that I was with someone then. Work is all the same, friends are all the same, and every day’s the same, just minus the person I was with. And you could still add up the quarrels and headaches. After a fight or misunderstanding, an early day is over for you. Nothing and no one can perk you up but him and him alone.
And if one’s life is fabulous being single and we mess up in relationships, why do we need one? Why do we need relationships?
These past weeks I’ve caught myself back again in the dating scene. One week after another, one person after the other. Meet ups are fine, conversations went well, and I say it’s all smooth and nice. We still exchange messages and calls from time to time, until they blew me big time. All three persons asked for a special relationship, I turned down the offers, on the spot. Am I playing hard to get? Nah. Am I looking for some sparks at the start as a sign? Maybe. Don’t I like them? Actually I did liked them, each has it’s own jerk to me. Then again I declined the proposals. I guess it’s me. Perhaps after years of being single, I got used to it. So much used to it conceivably I don’t know how to start a relationship anymore. I may be afraid of starting again. Maybe I’m still not in love. And then maybe, I don’t know how to be in love to any further extent.
Next month there’d be two more; I don’t know what I’m up to here. Makes me excited, makes me lonesome too. Tough luck.
jan's blah blah @
10:48 PM
3 Comments:
BLOG! Not what this is but rather the sound of me falling off my chair. I guess BLAG talaga yun. Bigat ng mensahe, scary dude! All I can hope for, for you my dear friend, for me, and all people who are so used to being single THAT what you're currently going through is nothing but a phase that will soon be over and NOT the PATH we ply into growing old ALONE.
OMG Jan! You are starting to become like me... he he he
Edwin: i believe yours is different. you chose to be, im surprised to be.
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