what a fool believes
last Tuesday night JM and I had the time to catch up. it’s been quite a time now since we had the occasion to sit back and deliberate over the accounts of our lives. after the talks of family hang-ups and hated friends over beers and fish crackers, it went to our own love stories.
recalling our past loves and the aches of it, we’re still here, alive and kicking. and we are single. and so the lonesome itch made it’s way to the conversation. will we be single for the rest of our life? i don’t think so. as the optimistic me always say, there’d be one for me, i just don’t know when and where will his path cross mine. and there’ll be one for JM too. not exactly the person he wanted to be, but the one he’ll need. well JM is not a relationship person as I know of, but he still feels lost about it. nonetheless, it’s his decision in conclusion.
don’t I feel lonely at discussions like this? move over crybaby coz here’s another chick flick to shed your tears. not surprisingly, I also feel alone in my life. minus the credit of friends, I also feel alone. but what the heck I say, maybe it’s just not my time to have a relationship today, maybe tomorrow. if I would worry about it today, I might ruin tomorrow. i just don’t think pulling it all along with someone who would come my way whom I don’t feel anything about would leave me satisfied. it is just like choosing second best. i’m not the type who’d get a hold of my own happiness from other people.
JM said I am too idealistic and I should get in touch with reality. reality bites, and it has bitten me more painful that people may know. and my own share of reality aids me on my choices now. bittersweet me? i think not. or perhaps I am. but I say the coldness in me will still melt by the warmth of the one who’ll come next.
i remember Pam and I were exchanging some beliefs then. i was telling her that there were instances that the sensation of being single wasn’t that good all the time. yes I am free of heartaches and burdens and free of my own decisions, but every now and then I long for times of having someone to hug when I feel cold, someone to talk to about matters that matter, someone who’d be with me when friends aren’t available dealing with their own misfortunes. i also have considerations of having my own child or children God permits. however, it’s not yet time. by the acts humanity’s staging right now I don’t consider building my own family. i wont allow my children to live in such distress. i’d rather live it up myself than share it to my loved ones. i said maybe when the world’s gone nice and people become more decent, then maybe I’d be ready. Pam lamented,
“Jan, walang ideal world”. i believe there is, and there will be. if only all of us would make our move. if only people would discipline themselves. if only all of us would believe. does being idealistic will leave me empty? will it be too late for me then? i suppose not. time is what me make it. chances are, there are and there will be chances for me.
and here’s another catch. perhaps, when I fall in love again, all will be different. possibly I could shake off a little of my impracticality and be in love again. but the fool won’t lose himself. i won’t let it. the fool with ideals is positive.
jan's blah blah @
2:57 AM